This was supposed to be a long and nice week spent with family by the Mediterranean. It started last Friday and turned into a nightmare yesterday evening. I am now at my apartment in Istanbul. I slipped out at 7 a.m. and drove 720 Km. to Istanbul stopping only to get gas.
My mom is probably not going to talk to me for how long I do not know. My sister sounded understanding but I am not sure she understands me. My uncle... Well I do not care what he thinks of me. My brother in law may also be hurt for me ruining their vacation but, my vacation is ruined too.
Yesterday night I threw a fit, a big one but I just could not stop myself. I just could not stop myself from being angry with... everything. My head feels like it will explode.
This might be due to my last period which started 15 days late and which hasn't stopped in 21 days. This is a religious holiday week so I just made an online appointment with a doctor for Monday.
I feel totally out of whack. I feel hurt and I want my family to understand that I do not like to be treated the way I am being treated by them but my mom is stubborn and I am sure she thinks she has no fault over what happened but she does. I love her. I go out of my way to do things to please her. I do not expect a Thank You because she is my mother and she deserves all of my attention. However, she wants everything her way. She scolds me like a child. If I am around she keeps ordering me around to make tea, to serve tea, to get this or that even though my sister and BIL are younger than I am. She treats them like guests and me like help I guess.
All through Saturday and Sunday, I cleaned my uncle's filthy apartment. He does not live there all the time. He is very very very sloppy. He came and went to the place several times and did not clean a thing. There were foot marks all over the place and the toilets had never seen a brush before. I scrubbed the floors, cleaned all over the kitchen and brushed the toilets to get all the filth out. I even washed the windows because mom wanted so. I am not mentioning all the laundry he had left. We washed them and hung them to dry. Thankfully mom did not attempt to iron the shirts or make me do that. She is 70 and I do not want her to get tired over these things. I made sure she did not overexert herself. So, my wonderful vacation with the family started with non-stop cleaning for two days. As I was trying to figure out what to get for dinner on Monday night, mom got very impatient at the store. I had her call my sis and her brother to see if they would be able to make it for dinner and both said no, so I was trying to decide on something to fix for the two us and she just basically yelled at me to hurry up. I am 47 for Pete's sake! People turned to look at us. I was so embarrassed that I grabbed something and rushed ourselves out.
I hung my face and as I was fixing dinner for us, my uncle pops in, hungry and then my sister calls to say they are famished and they are coming for dinner. I told her to get what I got from the store so that we could all have the same dinner together. She decided to go to McDonalds instead. Meanwhile I had been bleeding like crazy for 3 weeks and I was tired physically and mentally.
Yesterday, my sister, her husband and I went to the beach even though I would not be able to swim. I just wanted to get away from home a little bit because mom was still angry with me for being upset because she doesn't think she yelled at me at the store.
While we were out, I walked in the sand so my feet got dirty. When we got home, mom opened the door and she was still cross with me so I asked my uncle if he could get me some paper towels so that I would not bring sand home. He was standing 5 steps away from me washing something in the kitchen and he starts saying things like oh! how I know how to use people, how I start ordering things the minute I set foot at the apartment and what not and in return I said a few words to him and walked over to the bathroom. (I just could not believe my ears. I scrubbed the toilets in his apartment. Is that how he thanks me?) I went to the bedroom and sat on the bed to calm myself but I could feel the anger rising from my toes to my brain and I lost it. I just lost it and could not stop myself. I yelled at my mom, my sis and my uncle and blamed them for mistreating me, disrespecting me and hurting my feelings. For a second, I even considered jumping off the 6th floor. I still shudder at the thought. I wanted to leave immediately but mom and sis wouldn't let me go on a long road trip at night. So, early this morning I left while everyone was sleeping and I turned off my mobile phone. I cried while I drove and felt awful most of the trip.
I was supposed to stay until Monday, and bring mom with me to Istanbul. I just could not wait until Monday. I just cannot handle anyone around me. I want solitude and I know mom will make me suffer for this. She is probably not able to comprehend how dare I left her like that. Now she has to go back to Ankara with sis and BIL. She will make me pay for this rubbing my nose into it... I want to go to sleep and sleep for a hundred years and wake up to a brave new world...