I have never been married and never had kids so, I know what it is to be a kid but not a parent. Today a friend of mine called me to pour his heart out a little bit. He is a former colleague and a very good friend. His 21 year old daughter has fallen for a guy who lives in another country. This guy is 30 years old and they met online. He came to Turkey and my friend took him and his daughter out for dinners and really got out of his way to get to know this person. My friend is a more traditional type but he certainly outdid himself by agreeing to this relationship. After all, times have changed and children are more independent. Besides his daughter is 21 and will be graduating College this year.
After flirting online and meeting each other both in Turkey an in Europe for a while, my friend's daughter found out that this young man was also involved with other young women (plural!). She found e-mails which were like photocopies of his messages to her down to the minute details such as naming future kids. What a jerk! So, her heart was broken badly and she sank into a big depression. My friend and his wife felt very helpless and they were very sorry for their daughter not knowing how to console her.
Some time has passed and the man contacted his daughter on Valentine's Day and apparently sweet talked her into getting back together. They met in Holland last week and when my friend found out about it, he ordered his daughter to come right back and felt compelled to deliver an ultimatum. He told her, if she goes to live with this guy despite his cheating on her, she might as well forget her family. He believes a cheater will always be a cheater and I tend to agree with him. I lived through a similar situation when I was 30 and got pretty hurt. I still feel very ashamed of my bad choice.
My friend went to see a shrink and took his daughter to her as well.
I did not know what to tell him. After all, people seem to learn only from their own mistakes and if passion takes over, logic flies out the window. May be he needs to let her make a big mistake and pick her up when she needs support but my friend cannot even consider this option. As I said before, he is a more traditional type.
So, parents out there, what do you think? What would you recommend my friend? I am not much of help in this department. All comments will be appreciated.
My advice would be to be there for her no matter what. Yes, it sounds like she is making a huge mistake. If she is she will probably realize this at some point and if she knows she has supportive, loving family behind her is far more likely to leave him and return to them. If they've cut her off she may feel less able to leave him as she'd then be alone. That's not to say that your friend needs to tell her this is a good idea, but as a parent it's possible to tell your child you disagrree with their decision and think it's a mistake but that you still love and support them and will always be there for them. This advice is not based on personal experience with this sort of thing but I have raised two children so have experience with the parent-child relationship.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your opinion. I think you have a point and it should not be so easy to disown a child.
DeleteI agree whole-heartedly with the comment above. Withdrawing parental support will only make it more difficult for her to leave the situation when she is ready...
ReplyDeleteNan
Thanks for commenting. I think that is an excellent perspective my friend is not aware of.
DeleteNever cut a child off. But, try to make her promise to not have children for three years. She might change her mind. Never say, I told you so. Ask her to watch for the signs, that he loves himself more than she love him..
ReplyDeleteThanks Linda. I think my friend was very upset at the beginning. He seems to be doing better now. His daughter is also sharing everything and not hiding whatever is happening so, I guess they still trust each other as father-daughter and that is a good thing.
ReplyDelete