Exercise, Motivation, Eating Disorders... Long Post Beware!

I have been told to walk for 40-45 minutes twice a week and keep a generally active lifestyle. So those 40 minute walks are supposed to be sweaty. Rest of the time, I should walk in a normal window shopping pace.

I have added some very basic weight lifting 3-4 times a day to this. The weights I use are only 1 kg ea. just a bit over two pounds. I only want to tone my arms a little bit and build some strength.

The other day, the therapist buzzed me in and watch me climb the 20-25 steps. She said, I did well without stopping or slowing down so, my muscles must be in shape. That observation made me happy and even more motivated.

This was a 1-1 session since the rest of the group did not show up. As we talked, she told me if I had seen the movie "To The Bone". I did not so, she told me to watch it and tell her what I thought about it the next session. The movie is on Netflix in Turkey, so I watched it. It is about an anorexia patient with a dysfunctional family. She could only see the calories and could not make herself eat. I just cannot believe how hunger, taste and smell of food are not enticing. She just cannot bring herself to eat even a little bit. The actress had lost a lot of weight during the filming and she looked pretty horrid.

I also keep watching the "My 600 lb. Life" series which is on TV. Those people are constant eaters and they eat all sorts of unhealthy food. Fried, packaged food, candy bars, potato chips, tons of sugar laden soda all day long... They are also very dependent on others who enable them. I cannot quiet associate with them either. A lot of them had been sexually abused or bullied as kids or have dysfunctional families.

I cannot say I do not have an eating disorder. I do. It is just different than the anorexia patients and morbidly obese.

I  do not believe that you need deep issues to have an eating disorder. I am happy with my life. I would change probably just a handful of things if I could start over. I do know, I have an unhealthy relationship with food though. I am a mindless eater. Don't need to be hungry to eat. Who needs to be hungry to eat cheesecake? Stress and deadlines make me eat because, it is a part of procrastination. Boredom also makes me eat. I also like different tastes and generally love food. Good things in life are also associated with food. Birthdays, Holidays, outings with friends, celebrations of all kinds.

The other day I posted that I am not buying anything unnecessary and this is now something I do without even thinking. In the past I could have bought something just because... My relationship with shopping has now matured. I want the same maturity with my relationship with food. I want to make healthy choices and control my portions without thinking. I made healthy choices partially in the past. I could eat a nice healthy lunch and then I would have a piece of cheesecake with coffee. I could eat something high in calorie with my coffee every day without thinking. I want to be able to say "no" to that cheesecake and instead reach for a small piece of fruit or just have that coffee and be content with that.

People on diets think: "So, even when I lose the weight, won't I be able to eat cheesecake?" I do not know the answer to that. It can be "You can eat 1/3 of a commercial portion every once in a while" or it can be "Cheesecake is poison, noone should be touching it". I just don't know the answer to that and may be that answer is different for different people. Everybody has a different way of coping with a variety of problems.

For instance, when I start not weighing myself, I gain weight. When you are trying to lose weight, they tell you not to weigh yourself too frequently. That doesn't work for me. I know the weight will not go down on a steady pace. There will be ups and downs. Actually, right now I am in that position. It has been 8 days since I have weighed in at the dietician and I haven't yet lost a single pound. That is only natural. May be I did not drink enough water, may be I ate too much salt, may be I did not go to the bathroom. However, I have to track my weight every two days or so and mark it on my Excel sheet. I need to feel that I am in control. I was discussing this with my sister and she is the opposite.

My weight loss journey will not be a short one. I just do not want to think about how long it will be. I also do not want to set a goal that is too far away. I need to see reaching smaller goals to keep on being motivated. I have no ideal weight that I have set for myself. The BMI Index tells you that. Now, I am not concerned about that. Baby steps are just fine.

Wishing everyone a very nice weekend! It is still cold in here. I hope, May will be nicer.