TGIF?

Honestly, after retirement, every day is the same and I do miss TGIFs. When I was working, it was something I used to look forward to. These days, I work rarely. 

When I was little, before my sister was born, every Friday my dad used to come home from work, change his clothes and take my mom and me on a bus ride to downtown to have dinner. The bus service was provided by his workplace and so was our apartment. We did not have a car back then. He and mom had a handful of favorite spots to go. Although we stopped doing it after SIS was born, and after mom started working too, it stuck with me. When I was working, I would always find an excuse to not go directly home after work. I just do not like to be home on Friday nights. It has been a habit from those early times of my life. I always fantasized about a place like Cheers to go after work but, that never happened. Lol! Nowadays, I am always home. Sigh...

Today, I had two interviews scheduled with my second part-time job. I met two very nice people over Zoom. One of them was overqualified for the position in hand. The other one is well suited but, I do not know if she would be willing to leave her comfort zone. Both are good additions to our database.

This morning, I had the natural gas service cancelled at my mom's old apartment. I did not have time to deal with the electricity but, I know I can do it in Istanbul. I also re-activated a new account at a bank I no longer worked with.

I came home to have a late breakfast, had my two Zoom meetings and now, I am relaxing. For dinner I am meeting babyhood friends.

Hope, everyone has a nice weekend!

Saturday things

Today, I folded and put away all the laundry I had been ignoring. Then I swept and washed the floors of my kitchen and the entrance to my apartment. Since, I got rid of all the junk at the entrance, it looks very spacious and nice. Now it smells nice too.

As I type this, two eggs are boiling on the stove. I am having egg salad on top of a mixture of onions, tomatoes and cucumbers for dinner tonight.

I also need to take out the last piece of work I was dealing with to go over it. The customer had stopped that due to the pandemic but, as we approach the Fall, they want us to go ahead. Seems like work may resume. We will see about that.

The Fall is definitely in the air. Now, I realize it gets darker much earlier than in June and the breeze is cooler with some of the trees slightly turning color. I am sure there will be warmer days but, the change is in the air.

I am invited to a friend's summer home for the day tomorrow. Initially, I did not want to go but, these types of things may help shake my depressed state of being. So, I'm going.

I also got another invitation from one my of friends whom I work with. She says she is working from her summer home and we could work together and still enjoy the beach. I think,  I will go. After that, I think I will go visit my uncle for a few days. He sounds like he is missing us. My SIS and BIL are not sure whether they will be able to take time off this year. 

Need a purpose, a direction in life

I feel, I am on my way to depression these days. I lack purpose in my life. My mom's passing left a huge void. Additionally, the part-time work I used to do has stopped altogether due to Covid-19 and due to the summer. I have no idea whether they will pick up pace.

I have zero talent in any form of art. I have no hobbies other than reading. I need momentum, action and a sense of accomplishment in life.

Yesterday I got together with my childhood friends. One is still working and she has a family of her own and has too much on her plate. The other just retired but, was already staying home since March due to Covid-19 anyway. She is single like I am and during the last 10 years or so, she had been arranging the caregivers for her parents and taking them to hospitals while she worked. In a matter of two years she has lost both parents and now, she says she just watches Netflix all day long. She feels depressed and regretful that she did not have a family of her own. We tried to cheer her up yesterday but, I am in not much of a different situation.

I had always thought, I would do some volunteer work but, with Covid-19, that's not possible.

My sleep schedule is quiet out of whack and I have no idea as to how to get back to normal. 

What to do? What to do?..........

Yay! No cavity!

I had to go to the dentist because I was suspecting a cavity. It turned out to be tartar under my gum line on just that one tooth. Then my dentist friend cleaned my teeth. We discussed the implant I need for a long time now and decided to have it done late August. There is an old filling that needs to be replaced and that's it!

While I was at his office we talked about getting together with the rest of the group tonight. We have this smaller whatsapp group who all live in Istanbul. So, tonight we will be 6-8 people at our High School's Alumni Club. The place is never crowded during the week. Besides due to Covid-19, the pool is closed so there will not be any families crowding the restaurant after spending the day at the pool. There is a restaurant and a bar, a pool, one basketball, two tennis courts with a nice lawn to spread around.

I miss my friends dearly so tonight will be a nice change. We will surely observe social distancing and be very careful.

Tomorrow I am heading to Ankara for the long weekend coming up. My sister and BIL will join me too. After the holiday, I will stay two extra days to finalize the paperwork for inheritance and deed transfers. I have my sister's POA.

What a year this one is turning out to be.

A good Saturday

Today I felt compelled to wash all the glass panels of my balcony and the balcony itself. It took all of 50 minutes.

I am still binge-watching Star Trek: Voyager and enjoying it very much.

A HS friend of mine has moved to the US last year. She and her husband are architects and their two sons are going to college in the US too. Yesterday we were talking over whatsapp and she told me she had a niece going to Cornell studying Business Administration /Economy. She told me this young lady is interested in tech companies and was looking for some advice/mentorship and asked me if I would talk to her. I happily accepted that because, I never miss a chance to share my experience.

My friend's niece called me today at the time we had agreed on and we talked for about an hour. I enjoyed our talk and I hope she liked it too. Although she has lived all her life in the US, she speaks flawless Turkish and looking at her whatsapp message introducing herself, her written Turkish is excellent too. Kudos to her parents!

My sister and my uncle shared the temperature today in Izmir and Antalya as 102 and 100 degrees Fahrenheit. Yikes! I am not going to either of those places till mid-September at best. I don't know about the outside temp but, my home  was a comfy 77 with a nice breeze through the apartment because I keep my windows open.

I am going to see my dentist who is also a HS buddy on Monday. He promised I would be his first patient after everything is sanitized on Saturday. He wears a mask and a shield so, I am hoping I will be safe. I have a feeling, there is quiet a bit of work. We will see.

Binge Watching Star Trek: Voyager and House Chores

Today, well technicall yesterday has been a lazy day with binge watching ST: Voyager. However, I did manage to squeeze in washing all the curtains in the living room, washing the windows, cleaning the window screens and hanging the curtains back up.

Each time I deal with living room curtains, I cringe at the fact that the dark green backdrops wrinkle so much. I always consider changing them but, as soon as I put up the floral lace sheer curtains in front of them I say to myself: "It's not that bad. I don't have to see them and nobody else does either. Why spend money?"

I have tried ironing them before and the result is not any better. It is such a stupid material so, I do not iron them anymore. I take them out of the washing machine and just hang them back up. Easy!

The dining room table now looks promising. Tomorrow, I will pretty that up. I have put away quite a bit of stuff today.

As for Star Trek, I love all versions. I thought I had seen every episode of every version but, apparently I haven't or I must have forgotten some of them.

I was going to go to the farmers market but, I decided not to go because, I woke up too late.

I now have to put my hair in a pony tail, wear some nice top and join a Zoom Bridal Shower happening in South Carolina. It starts at 1:30 a.m. my time so, I will just say hello, see my friends and the bride-to-be who is the younger daughter of my friends and then I will go to bed.

Progress rather slow...

Frequent readers may know that I had been trying to put my apartment in order for about a month now. I am as fast as a sloth when it comes to doing house chores.

I was overwhelmed by things scattered around all over the place, sewing stuff on my dinner table, all sorts of things I have brought back from Ankara, loads and loads of laundry and oh! the DUST! Everyday, I said to myself: "How am I gonna get this mess in order?"

Well, today I realized that it doesn't look so bad anymore since I have been taking a few things at a time and putting them where they belong. It looks like the living room room can be cleaned tomorrow after a short trip to the farmers market early in the morning. 

I am planning to take down the curtains and dust, wash the windows and deep clean. It certainly looks doable but, we'll see if this sloth will have the stamina to do it.

Here is what makes me want to cry: Back rooms need cleaning again. Thankfully, just dusting and vacuuming will suffice.

Next up are the kitchen, the balcony and the entrance. 

The bigger chores are waiting for me in the closets. I have not been able to take them down yet. It is just another overwhelming chore. I need to get rid of many pairs of shoes. I wore a pair yesterday and remembered they hurt my feet. So, that pair is already set aside. 

This pandemic and the time I spent in Ankara due to mom's sickness taught me how little I actually need. However, whenever I start to set things aside to give away, I tell myself: "Well, if I give all these away, I am sure I will need to go buy new stuff. These are in perfect condition. Why not keep them? So, let me hold on to these. Besides, what if I lose weight?, What if I gain weight?" and put the things back in my closets. It is very difficult with outerwear. I like everything that I own and even if I wear a coat once or twice in a year, I like to keep that. Oh, well...

I would like to buy fresh veggies and fruit tomorrow. If I go early enough, I am hoping the farmers market will not be crowded. 

Here is an image of yours truly:

Image By Ralf Designs by Pixabay

Interesting Day

On Saturday a Facebook friend, an alumni of my HS had posted that there were a bunch of Moroccan refugees who got stuck in Turkey due to the pandemic and that they were living in the Moroccon Embassy's garden in terrible conditions. He asked for help for these people. So, I told him I would like to contribute to this.

Yesterday I asked him what to get and he said, there were a few women among them and that ladies hygiene products would be good. He told me he was taking water and food. So, I bought sanitary napkins, lots of hand soap and wet naps along with about 40 pounds of fruit from a big box store. I figured fresh fruit would be a welcome treat.

So, this morning I met up with my friend and we went to the embassy only to find out that the refugees were taken to be sent back to their country. We decided to go to the place where we were told the people were taken to. When we went there, they told us they could not accept food from outside due to Covid-19. Stuck with lots of stuff to be donated we called a few places and finally found a soup kitchen. We took the stuff we bought and met with the coordinators. I asked the lady if sanitary napkins would be useful and she told me they were also helping battered wives and people on the streets so, she was very happy about that. I am glad, they were able to take those because, I cannot imagine being stuck with them especially now I have no use for sanitary napkins.

I had to cross between the continents four times today but, after all, our mission is accomplished and we were able to do good.

This friend of mine is about 11-12 years my junior and he is such a kind-hearted man. Through him, I was able to help several children in poorer parts of the country quiet a few times in the past.

It was refreshing to spend time with a kind person and we chatted away as we were on the road.

I have recently found out that a fellow Canadian blogger friend has been diagnosed with cancer. My heart goes out to her and I am wishing her the best.

Taken care of business...

On Tuesday, I drove from Istanbul to Ankara and the very next day 6.a.m sharp, I hit the road for Konya. I arrived at the municipality a little after 9.a.m. and thankfully got my document that I needed without any trouble. Then I went to the Government Office related with deeds and told them I could not find the deed in mom's documents. They gave me a document to prove her ownership. By 10:30 a.m. I was done with the documents required for submission to the Inheritance Tax Office.

Then I went to the bank to which I had applied for lifting the lien on the Konya property. They had told me there were 28 outstanding checks by one of the previous shareholders and that constituted a risk for the bank so, they would not be able to lift the lien. My sister said there is a statute of limitations and they should be give me a list of the alleged 28 checks with their expiration dates. I had sent an e-mail to the guy and he never answered. So, it was time for a face to face talk. The lazy dud was sort of apologetic. he went downstairs to ops to get the list. Now, 27 of those checks have already expired. There is onşy one left to expire in November. He told me I could pay a certain amount of money for them to lift the lien. It is not a lot but, why would I pay them? I am in no rush to sell that property. I will wait till November and they will lift the lien. Victory!

I decided to visit the two cemetaries where my grandparents are buried. They both wanted to be buried next to their mothers. That is why they are in separate spots. I got some flowers and went to visit them. I told them we have just sent their daughter and they should not wait for anybody else in a looooooong time since we are now outnumbered by a lot!

The last thing on my agenda was to go see the house that belonged to my grandparents. I now own 5/6th of it and my sister owns 1/6. It is in real bad shape. I do not know what to do with it. It was kind of sad to see it like that. I have so many happy memories there. Sigh... Will think about it.

I was back home in Ankara by 6 p.m.

Yesterday morning, I went to submit the documents to the tax office. Then I went to visit mom and dad. Originally I was going to return to Istanbul today but, my sister and BIL are coming for the weekend. I have decided to stay and see them tomorrow. I will go back on Sunday.

So, today I went to visit old friends of my parents. They have called me very often during mom's sickness and they had just lost their older son. The husband is bed ridden. The wife is 82 and she is the only caregiver. They cannot afford to hire someone. Really very sad. I visited with them for an hour and then took the lady for grocery shopping. I told her to take her time and get whatever she needed to. I drove her back and carried the groceries inside. I am sure glad, I was able to be of service if only a little. 

Then, I visited old friends with whom I worked for the same company both in the US and in Turkey. They have a really nice, big garden. We spent the whole afternoon chatting away. It was such a good time. I think, this was a happy day in a very long time.

Now, I am ready to watch another episode of a Turkish show on Netflix with my BFF who lives in NY. The distance between us does not mean a thing. We are thankful for the technology available to us.

Laughing, smiling, crying...

I decided to scan the dia positives from our childhood on Saturday. I am almost done. There weren't as many pictures as I thought there would be. 700 max.

I remember places, occasions, outfits as I look at the pictures. I even came across my parents' engagement party.

Sometimes I laugh at the pictures remembering exactly a funny moment, sometimes I cry after my parents, sometimes I smile at the pictures in which I was holding my sister lovingly and her funny faces. This has been another bittersweet task.

I was going to go to Ankara for inheritance stuff but, it was so darn hot yesterday night, I could not sleep well. I decided to stay home and finish scanning the pictures. I also finished the sewing tasks so, the machine and fabric can be put away. I have some more projects coming up, but, I will clean this room first.

I know that remembering my childhood as an entirely happy, healthy, sweet time is a huge blessing.

Rest in Peace Mom and Dad! Don't worry, I am holding the fort now. I will personally ensure the well being of the remaining family members as best as I can.

Break from Cleaning to Sew

I was making masks with ties instead of elastic when I was in Ankara. I need to make 5 more to send to my uncle along with a new wallet I bought for him.

Sewing is messy so, I decided to take care of that before starting to clean my living room. The small table top ironing board and the sewing machine is set up on my dining room table right now and I am ready to go.

I have two huge Linden Trees right outside in front of the apartment and they are probably producing a lot of pollen because despite taking allergy meds, I keep sneezing. Too much sneezing makes me feel sick. Sometimes a dark cup of coffee helps. I may go for a cup in a little while.

My BFF and I are watching Broadchurch on Netflix. She lives in the US and I live an ocean and a continent away. I love technology! Yesterday we decided to be each other's accountability partners in losing 30 pounds. I will start walking every day regularly too. She walks for 45 minutes with a neighbor of hers every day.

Today is the second day of the university entrance exams and I expect Istanbul to get less crowded in a few days. Most families will go to their summer places although if I were them, I would not. If one catches the virus, there are very few small hospitals with not much ICU capabilities in vacation spots. I would rather be in the city and be closer to better health care. However, not a lot of people are taking this seriously and I have a feeling they have a tough time keeping their kids at home as well.

This week is a stress factor for my sister and BIL. The bank will most likely place them in different branches. They have put in a request to go back to Ankara but, one of them will have to give up her/his title. That is bullshit of course but, if you do not have someone influential, that is what happens to you. It does not matter if you are best and the most hard working person. Corruption, what else? My BIL actually has a very influential cousin but, he is not the kind of person who will ask for favors even though it is actually not a favor but, rather a right.

I am hoping that they will not be placed anywhere they will be very unhappy. I am already concerned about my sister's health as it is.

More Cleaning and laundry

Now that I have completed putting my own bedroom in order, I moved to my spare room which I used to call mom's room. Sigh...

I took down the curtains and one of them is in the washer right now. Then I dusted and washed the windows. My right arm will kill me tomorrow. I also pushed and pulled the closets to get behind them for more dusting and washing.

I had left a bunch of stuff at the entrance to my home and I took care of all that. Some are dumped on my dining table, some are placed neatly where they belong.

My pressure cooker died. I need to replace it but the new ones are so darn expensive. I cannot even remember when I had bought it. Probably more than 15 years ago? There are two in the Ankara home. I will ask my sister and uncle if I can take one of them. That apartment is literally empty 90% of the time so, who needs two pressure cookers there? I know my sister has hers at her home and uncle has his in Antalya. Till I get back to Ankara, I will make do without one.

Tonight I am having a salad and some nachos. Salad is to eliminate the guilt of eating nachos. Kind of a balancing act.

I am going to hang the curtains back and empty the dishwasher before dinner. I am thinking, cleaning the balcony and the living room will be the hardest. The balcony is closed with sliding glass windows and they are filthy. Washing them will be the toughest chore. In the living room I have this two display cabinets and a TV unit. One of the display cabinets is glass on all sides. I keep my dad's sailing ship models there.

Every night after dinner I put the kitchen in order and the next day after cooking, it is a war zone. I think, I should batch-cook some food and leave the kitchen alone for a while other than fixing salads.

I was planning to call the cleaning lady but, I decided, I am too chicken for that yet. Besides, I am cleaning in detail. She could never do as much. It would take her forever. So, I will do my own deep cleaning and may be call her in a few weeks. Depends on how much I can keep up with it. 

Progress and stuff in general...

I have succesfully put away all winter stuff away in my closet. They are in zip up IKEA SKUBB boxes neatly stacked on top of each other on the top shelf. I have two shelves dedicated to summer tops and bottoms now. There is so much to give away but, not just yet. I do not have the stamina to do it.

I have also re-organized my pantry drawer and spice cabinet.

Yesterday I made a modified version of the Tom Kha Gai soup. No basil, no cilantro, no fish sauce. It still turned out delicious and I had that for brunch today. I will have the rest of it for tomorrow's brunch.

Tonight I am having a naked burger (no bun) small green salad and corn on the cob.

I am getting up late so, I am now eating two meals a day with occasional snacks. I added some cooked rice to the soup to make it more filling. My BFF keeps the rice separate so that it doesn't soak up most of the juice. That's what I did too.

Due to COVID-19 and University Entry Exams this weekend, there is a semi-shelter in place order. On Saturday, noone other than the entrants and a maximum of two people who accompany them to exam centers are allowed to be outside till 3:30 p.m. On Sunday, it is till 6:30 p.m. I am not planning to go out at all.

I had taken a coffee break as I typed this. There is very little left to fold and stack on the summer shelves so, I better get back to business. May be I can sleep in my bed tonight.

Restocked

I think, I have been able to restock my pantry and fridge.  Now, I need to plan meals around what I have bought. I hate waste and I would like to use up everything while they are fresh.

I will ask my BFF to send me her Tom Kha Gai soup. I found lemon grass today so, I bought a can of coconut milk as well.

I also found restaurant style tortilla chips. I will make myself nachos sometime soon but, I could not find any sour cream. It is not something popular over here. It is not a must anyway.

I have tons to do at home and I am feeling really overwhelmed. One thing at a time, one day at a time...

Missing mom really badly. I try keeping myself busy.

Supercell Storm Warning

I woke up to a very dark and dreary day. Was hoping to wash the windows of my room and do a deep cleaning in my bedroom but, I decided against it. When I saw the supercell storm warning, I decided to park my car in a safe place. I cannot forget the walnut sized hail storm three years ago. So many cars were hit very badly. A search on the Internet gave me a place within 6-7 miles. So, I just drove there, parked my car and took a cab back. Went into the Pharmacy for my eye drops and did a quick grocery run. And totally forgot to get more allergy medicine... Ugh!

Now, I am home. I did one load of laundry but, I do not feel like doing much because of the magnitude of what I need to do. I must take my wardrobe down, wipe it, get rid of some items, take out the summer clothes, etc. I need a Marie Kondo moment.

I am ready for some tea. Here is a video of how we make tea. Warning: It says soft water not salt water. Some people hear it as salt! Lol! The way we make tea is not as elaborate as the Japanese but, it is not as simple as dumping a tea bag in hot water either.

Back Home to Winter?

It has been almost three months since I have not been home. Finally, I loaded my car, dropped mom's old apartment keys at a realtor and signed a contract, visited old neighbors who had been my parents' best friends way back when I was a baby and drove back to Istanbul.

As soon as I opened the door, I was greeted with a musty smell, two pairs of winter boots and coats on the rack. As I opened the windows, I realized that my thick comforter was on the bed. It felt like my home is frozen in time and it is still winter.

A whole season went by and I feel lost. During my five hour drive, I cried a little, listened to an audiobook a little.

Outside of my apartment the damn hydrangeas are in full bloom. They have not been blooming for the last 6-7 years due to a poor trimming job and mom had been looking forward to their blooming every year. Well, this year they are gorgeous and mom can't even see them! How is that fair?

My BFF says, I should take it as a sign that she found Dad and they are happy again. It sounds good especially, I was begging for a sign to know that she is well just yesterday.

Sigh... Life will be very different.

The apartment is very dirty. The windows need washing and a detailed cleaning job is a must. I think, I will call the cleaning lady after all despite the Covid scare. I should find a way to keep safe. May be I can clean my own room and confine myself to my room while she is cleaning? Any ideas?

Alone

Today my SIS and BIL and my uncle left for Izmir and Antalya respectively. I just heard from  all of them that they arrived at their homes, safe and sound.

So, I am alone tonight. Trying to keep busy. I sew a mask today. It was pretty successful, I must say. I think I will make 20 of them and send 5 to each of my family and keep 5 for myself. The masks we buy are hit or miss. Some are good quality, some are not so, washable masks are better I think.

I have also decided to wash the couch covers. There are two IKEA Ektorp couches in this apartment. I need to put the dishes away and put the rest of the dirt ones in the dishwasher. I will then go to bed.

This apartment has 4 bedrooms. SIS and BIL have the master bedroom, uncle has the one next to that and mom used to have the one next to his. The fourth was sort of like a sitting room where I am currently staying. SIS told me to move to mom's bedroom but, I am not ready to do that. Whenever we come to Ankara, we will stay here. SIS and BIL are trying to decide whether they will ask their bank to place them back in Ankara or not. Apparently, one of them will have to lose her/his title if they move back. I do not know whether they will decide to stay put or not. Till they come back to Ankara for good, this apartment will serve all of us.

SIS and I could not bring ourselves to go through mom's stuff yet. We gave away only a handful of things to BIL's mom's caregiver. I will take two pairs of shoes to Istanbul to give my cleaning lady. They are brand new. Mom never had a chance to wear them.

This week, I have to find a realtor to put my mom's old apartment on sale. It has been vacant since November. We always thought mom would recover, come back home and tell us what she wanted to do with it.

I also want to see a few friends before I leave. We shall keep our social distance of course.

Ever since, the normalization started, the Covid-19 numbers started creeping up. People are either stupid or ignorant. If the numbers go up, I am sure the travel restrictions will come back and the shelter-in-place orders will be in effect pretty soon. When I go back home, I will limit myself to one outing per week and will not let my guard down. No restaurants, malls, crowds or vacation this year. I may go visit family come September. I do not want to visit them before September because both cities are too warm and I cannot stand heat. My apartment is the coolest place among all the places we all have.

Gotta hang the laundry and hit the sack. It feels weird to be alone after being with family for weeks.

Uncertainty, confusion, sadness and mixed feelings

Mom is still in the ICU, still intubated, still not improving and this is day 75.

This is a post to document my feelings and confusion about what is going on in my life and just to get the sitting bull off my chest so, you may want to not read the rest. Especially, if you are feeling well and happy. Stay that way and count that as a blessing.

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My sister has been here for the last two weeks. She is due back at work on Monday so, she will be driving herself on Sunday back to Izmir. I told her to go on Saturday so that she can rest for a day at home before starting work. She told me she wanted to spend my birthday with me which is on Saturday. For a long time I was hoping mom to start recovering by my birthday as if it is a truly important or special day. It's just another day of uncertainty, that's all. I told her I do not mind at all.

I like the fact that my sister, uncle and I are together but, I also need some time alone so, I am encouraging uncle to go back to Antalya to his home for a while. He is bored to death over here and I know he misses his bicycle, his friends and routine over there.

I told both of them that even if mom starts to improve, which is unlikely, they will have enough time to put their things in order to get back to Ankara. I will stay here and one person is quiet enough. Although, I like being with them, I need some alone time. Sometimes I want to stay in bed, cry my heart out or do something stupid. With people around me, it is not possible.

Mom is not able to breath on her own and she is not improving. She is also not getting any worse. They asked for permission for a tracheostomy saying that she will  be more comfortable without the tube in her mouth. They said she is very agitated by the tube. So, I signed the papers. Tomorrow she will be taken to the operating room to do that.

Sometimes her heart or her kidneys get problematic but, they fix them pretty quickly. The other night I was wondering if she never improves and if she needs to be hooked to the machine as long as her organs let her live. Will they keep her in the hospital? Will they tell us to create hospital environment at home? In that case, we will need to hire a retired nurse 24x7 because, I can clean her up but, I cannot imagine aspirating her or feeding her through the tube in her nose. I would be deadly scared of hurting her. Then I started looking for hospital beds, portable ventilators, power supplies and such to see how those can be set up at home. Finally, I decided to sleep a little bit but, it was already 7 a.m. Did not sleep a wink that night.

Sometimes "what ifs" haunt me like that. Then I try to calm myself down by saying to myself: "T'Pol, one day at a time! Whatever will be will be as in the song and I will do whatever it takes when I know what needs to be done. One day at a time!" But when every day is just like the the day before without any change, "what ifs" come back with a vengeance.

Today is a very bad day and I want to cry constantly. Mom's friends call every few days and it is tough to talk to say she is the same not getting any better. Their words of sympathy do not help although I do appreciate them very much.

Sometimes I get very angry because I know people who do not even talk to their mom/children anymore for whatever reason and yet they are healthy and happy in their own way. Why is my mom sick and we can't even see her? Why does such a compassionate and nice person have to suffer? I am not a believer. I am between being an atheist and a deist so, no, I do not believe this is God's will for a reason. If God existed, he/she should have been nicer to my mom and would not let her suffer like this. Becoming an invalid was the only thing she was very afraid of and here we are!

We had some neighbors when I was a kid. There would be constant fighting and sometimes the husbands would beat their kids or raise their hands to their wives. My mom would always intervene and succesfully scare those men away. They knew she could easily beat the crap out of them if she wanted to. She meant business. Mom was never scared of confronting a guy who would beat his family. One day, she went downstairs and pulled out the 16 year old kid whose father was beating him with a hose. She took him to school herself and advised the kid to go to a different city for his university education and stay the hell away from his father as much as possible. My father never raised a hand. They would of course argue from time to time but things never escalated at our home. They loved and respected each other. My father gave up a career just to be able to spend more time with his family. That sweet man, loving husband and great dad passed away 26 years ago. My mom was widowed at the age of 51. Now, she is stuck in the hospital with a tube down her throat and I see those old neighbors celebrating "happy" annversaries of 50something years of marriage on Facebook. It is very hard to resist the temptation of commenting "yeah, we know how happy that marriage was when he was beating you and the kids. Remember that sweet day when he threw a hot kettle to you?".

What is happening to mom is so unfair. SO DAMN UNFAIR!

Well I got some stuff off my chest but, honestly it did not help much. I should make myself busy with something else. May be a warm shower will do me good....

Interesting times... Who cursed us?

2020 started  with quite a few terrible things. For me, I found my mom very sick when I returned from my fab vacation, then there was the earthquake in the East and the talks about a big one hitting Istanbul soon . The refugee crisis, war with Syria, the Government meddling in Libya's business, sending troops over there upon the Libyan Government's request, alliance with the US going south, alliance with Russia ending up s..ing us, deaths of many young soldiers in Syria, the economy tanking, growing incompetence of the Government... And now the Corona Virus... Yikes!

Life goes on as usual but now, there are people panicking who make you second guess your own understanding of the matter. Is this virus real like the Bubonic Plague or is it just a part of a big game planned by nasty people to profit from this by causing terror and panic? I guess time will tell if we survive it.

I am trying to wash my hands more frequently, sanitize my belongings when I come home, eat and rest well and avoid crowds. Other than that, I just keep doing what I do normally. What else can we do anyway?

All this negativity and craziness in the world is probably due to ever diminishing resources, environmental pollution and booming population and poverty. I suspect there are many nasty people who are behind all the political bullshit that is happening. They are using and manipulating the rest of the people in their quest to success.

I wish there could be a virus to wipe out just the politicians and other people with secret dark intentions.

I was expecting a Star Trek Universe in 21st Century. It feels like we are going back to the Medieval Period in many ways.

So, who cursed us anyway?

The Spring has sprung!

Ankara is situated inland in the middle of Turkey and is generally colder than the coastal cities. It was still pretty cold when I came back home to Istanbul. However, this week all of a sudden, I feel the warmth in the weather. Yesterday, I realized that the trees were in full bloom and the tulip season is almost here.

I no longer need warmer jackets and can go out with a vest and a hoodie. Sometimes even the vest is too warm. Wow!

Today is a nice, bright and sunny day 19-21 degrees celsius (60s in Fahrenheit).  Ankara is just a little colder today so, it should be a very nice day there as well.

I am working from home on my "new" part time gig. On Wednesday, I have an engagement at my other part time job. I purchased a couple of masks to use on the plane on Wednesday. We have no reported cases of the corona virus yet but, I have a feeling that, the information is not shared with the public. Yeah, I know, totally dumb. I am washing my hands more frequently and using wipes and sanitizers when I am out and about.

As I type this, I am sitting at my small computer desk with an open window right next to me.

I gotta go back to work. Wishing everybody a nice week in good health.