Uncertainty, confusion, sadness and mixed feelings

Mom is still in the ICU, still intubated, still not improving and this is day 75.

This is a post to document my feelings and confusion about what is going on in my life and just to get the sitting bull off my chest so, you may want to not read the rest. Especially, if you are feeling well and happy. Stay that way and count that as a blessing.

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My sister has been here for the last two weeks. She is due back at work on Monday so, she will be driving herself on Sunday back to Izmir. I told her to go on Saturday so that she can rest for a day at home before starting work. She told me she wanted to spend my birthday with me which is on Saturday. For a long time I was hoping mom to start recovering by my birthday as if it is a truly important or special day. It's just another day of uncertainty, that's all. I told her I do not mind at all.

I like the fact that my sister, uncle and I are together but, I also need some time alone so, I am encouraging uncle to go back to Antalya to his home for a while. He is bored to death over here and I know he misses his bicycle, his friends and routine over there.

I told both of them that even if mom starts to improve, which is unlikely, they will have enough time to put their things in order to get back to Ankara. I will stay here and one person is quiet enough. Although, I like being with them, I need some alone time. Sometimes I want to stay in bed, cry my heart out or do something stupid. With people around me, it is not possible.

Mom is not able to breath on her own and she is not improving. She is also not getting any worse. They asked for permission for a tracheostomy saying that she will  be more comfortable without the tube in her mouth. They said she is very agitated by the tube. So, I signed the papers. Tomorrow she will be taken to the operating room to do that.

Sometimes her heart or her kidneys get problematic but, they fix them pretty quickly. The other night I was wondering if she never improves and if she needs to be hooked to the machine as long as her organs let her live. Will they keep her in the hospital? Will they tell us to create hospital environment at home? In that case, we will need to hire a retired nurse 24x7 because, I can clean her up but, I cannot imagine aspirating her or feeding her through the tube in her nose. I would be deadly scared of hurting her. Then I started looking for hospital beds, portable ventilators, power supplies and such to see how those can be set up at home. Finally, I decided to sleep a little bit but, it was already 7 a.m. Did not sleep a wink that night.

Sometimes "what ifs" haunt me like that. Then I try to calm myself down by saying to myself: "T'Pol, one day at a time! Whatever will be will be as in the song and I will do whatever it takes when I know what needs to be done. One day at a time!" But when every day is just like the the day before without any change, "what ifs" come back with a vengeance.

Today is a very bad day and I want to cry constantly. Mom's friends call every few days and it is tough to talk to say she is the same not getting any better. Their words of sympathy do not help although I do appreciate them very much.

Sometimes I get very angry because I know people who do not even talk to their mom/children anymore for whatever reason and yet they are healthy and happy in their own way. Why is my mom sick and we can't even see her? Why does such a compassionate and nice person have to suffer? I am not a believer. I am between being an atheist and a deist so, no, I do not believe this is God's will for a reason. If God existed, he/she should have been nicer to my mom and would not let her suffer like this. Becoming an invalid was the only thing she was very afraid of and here we are!

We had some neighbors when I was a kid. There would be constant fighting and sometimes the husbands would beat their kids or raise their hands to their wives. My mom would always intervene and succesfully scare those men away. They knew she could easily beat the crap out of them if she wanted to. She meant business. Mom was never scared of confronting a guy who would beat his family. One day, she went downstairs and pulled out the 16 year old kid whose father was beating him with a hose. She took him to school herself and advised the kid to go to a different city for his university education and stay the hell away from his father as much as possible. My father never raised a hand. They would of course argue from time to time but things never escalated at our home. They loved and respected each other. My father gave up a career just to be able to spend more time with his family. That sweet man, loving husband and great dad passed away 26 years ago. My mom was widowed at the age of 51. Now, she is stuck in the hospital with a tube down her throat and I see those old neighbors celebrating "happy" annversaries of 50something years of marriage on Facebook. It is very hard to resist the temptation of commenting "yeah, we know how happy that marriage was when he was beating you and the kids. Remember that sweet day when he threw a hot kettle to you?".

What is happening to mom is so unfair. SO DAMN UNFAIR!

Well I got some stuff off my chest but, honestly it did not help much. I should make myself busy with something else. May be a warm shower will do me good....