We are very slowly recovering. The day we buried mom next to dad was the hardest. I went in to see her for the last time when the women were washing her. (Muslim custom). I washed her face and hair and asked her who will be my travel companion from now on? I am so thankful to those three women who washed her gently and with care and who wrapped her in her shroud kindly. My sister's BFF did not let me in there alone. She stood with me.
On seeing her body and the damage of the infection, I feel very grateful that she finally gave up the fight. She looked like she fought a monster but, her face was peaceful. Her ordeal is over.
The ceremony was really nice. The Imam (a Muslim priest) was a very good man, a devout Ataturk (founder of our country, a great visionary) follower just like my mom. He thanked Ataturk and his comrades who fought the War of Independence and founded modern Turkey in 1920 just like mom would have wanted during the prayer both at the mosque and at the graveyard.
My uncle helped putting her in her place. Then uncle, sister and I were handed the shovels first to put soil in the grave. I remember yelling at the stupid Imam who told me women do not shovel soil during dad's burial. I had snarked "He is my DAD!" Apparently, my sister's friends who had attended dad's funeral remembered that too. Thankfully, this man was 100% nicer and kinder so, nobody had to pull him back to protect him from my wrath.
All of our closest friends were with us at the cemetary paying attention to social distancing. I cannot thank them enough.
Then we visited my grandma's and my late uncle's graves. After this, uncle left us to go home. I stayed with SIS, BIL and their best friends. When I went back home, I found my uncle crying his heart out. I do not remember him crying so much at his parents' or his brother's funerals. He and mom were very close siblings.
During mom's hospital stay, I was the point of contact. The hospitals would call me and every time the hospital's name appeared on my phone, I felt a huge panic and fear. Every day, waiting for that call was such a difficult thing. Now, I know they will not call me and it makes me feel better which in turn makes me feel guilty. Is this normal? Has anyone felt like this after a loved one's loss especially after a prolonged sickness?
T'Pol, I think that whatever you're feeling is perfectly normal. Sad, confused, guilty, relieved, grateful, angry - what is 'normal' grieving? How long does it last? There's an arc, I know, but everyone will walk it differently, and to different degrees. Don't beat yourself up, just try to 'be' as best you can while you work your way through it. Sending a big hug xx
ReplyDeleteThank you NLA. Emotions are running wild nowadays.
DeleteIt sounds like such a thoughtful ceremony.
ReplyDeleteIt was. Thank you Jan.
DeleteIt sounds like a lovely ceremony and so glad you had your friends and family there. I have never been in your situation - but - it is completely natural to feel relief at not having those dreadful calls every day (because there was so little good news)
ReplyDeleteThank you Cheapchick.
DeleteOh T'Pol I wish I could give you a hug and share some of the feelings you have right now. Not only is it hard to lose your mom but this weird time makes it so much harder. I would tell you not to feel guilt about anything, but I feel so much guilt myself, on multiple fronts. I think it is normal, but still it is hard.
ReplyDeleteAnne, thank you for your kind words. Being in the same boat, I know we both have a mixture of emotions.
DeleteI'm sure your emotions are all over the place and all completely normal. Her service sounds very nice and I'm glad your friends could be there with you and your family.
ReplyDeleteThank you. Yes, if it were just a week ago, none of our friends would have been there for us. They were allowing only 5 people outside of the family and how do you even choose? Luckily those measures were lifted.
DeleteI am glad that the ceremony was nice, and you had no issues with the imam.
ReplyDeleteI haven't experienced this, but to me it sounds normal - once you feel ok, that is really what counts.
Thank you JiCaLu. I will see a professional if I cannot deal with it in a month or so.
Deletei think professional help is good if you think it is necessary. but based on the responses here, the grieving process is so unique to everyone - so sometimes there is no right one way. you have memories of her and of course you will miss her and feel sad, but also feel relieved too since she is not in pain any longer. *hug*
DeleteI have been following your blog off and on for a little while. I am so sorry for your loss. Your mother was clearly a blessing to you and yours. She is at peace. Grace and peace to you. Celie in USA.
ReplyDeleteThank you Celie. She was our rock.
DeleteThe funeral ceremony sounds beautiful. And from your saying that the infection had ravaged her, I remember my dad suffering so much at the end that it was a relief to him and all of us for his suffering to be over. And it truly is. Don't forget, her spirit as a healthy young woman will be around you from now on and for always!
ReplyDeleteThank you Anna. I miss her so much.
DeleteT'Pol,
ReplyDeleteThe service sounds lovely and just the warm, caring support your family needed at this difficult time. It will get easier, but it takes time. I lost both parents eight weeks apart. They were elderly and in poor health so as hard as it was it was also a blessing to know there would be no more suffering. The hardest part is missing how they had been not how they were. An end to the suffering is something to be grateful for so please do not feel guilty although you will feel a wide range of emotions while grieving. It's all to be expected.
Thank you EAS. I have lost dad 26 years ago. There is not a single day passing by that I do not remember him. There is always something to remind him. Same with mom. I used to call her at least once, mostly multiple times during the day. I miss her.
Delete