This year has been the worst year of my life. I am glad it will soon be over but, that does not mean much other than getting old by yet another year. Unfortunately, the upcoming year does not look promising either. I am worried about my family's health.
Mom's loss had the deepest impact and to be honest, I am still as upset as the day she passed. Not a day goes by without me crying several times. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing the fact that I had always told her I loved her every single day. Still, not having been able to say goodbye and holding her hand in 77 days of her ICU ordeal are killing me. I will never get over this.
There are new measures against COVID-19. The Government finally gave up lying about the numbers and pretending that they were managing this really well. I still do not believe the new numbers. They must be much higher.
Every Friday, starting at 9 p.m. till Monday morning 5.a.m, we shall be under lockdown. During the week, people above 20 and below 65 are allowed to be outside between 5 a.m. and 9 p.m. There are some exceptions to this. 65+ years old citizens and kids under 20 are allowed outside during the week only 3 hours each day. Dining in and take-out are banned. Restaurants are allowed delivery only. Funerals are limited to a maximum of 30 people. There are many new rules about public transportation and travel. I am hoping that people will start being more careful about this.
Yesterday, I walked to the small grocery store right by me. It is located in a mini-mall. As I was coming back home, I saw a lady without a mask, getting a manicure. The people working at that salon were all wearing masks but, the customer also has to wear a mask. I did not confront them directly. Instead, I came home and called the mall management and told them what I had seen and if they do not take action to make sure the rules are obeyed, I would file an official complaint. That means a ton of money for them.
That place is actually a very convenient spot for me so, it is important that it stays to be a safe place. It takes me 5 minutes to walk over. There is a small grocery store, a pharmacy, a tailor, a dry cleaners, an office store, a health unit where you can get prescriptions, a bunch of hair salons, a cobbler and a few other small businesses. My hair salon is there but I am afraid to go to a hair salon so, till I see my sister again, I am letting it grow. I wanted to go grey but, it looks awful so, I am back to coloring my own hair. However, this time I went for a dark brown which is more like my own hair instead of the lighter tones with reddish hues that I have used for so many years now.
Tonight, there will be fajitas for dinner since, I have an avocado and some sour cream to use up. Sour cream is hard to get here so, when I see it, I buy it.
Yesterday night I managed to go to sleep around 2 a.m. in the morning by the help of some Native American music from Youtube. I got up at 9:30. I forgot to buy the melatonin yesterday. Next time I go out, I will do that.
Today is a windy and colder day. The Linden trees in front of my building are losing their leaves fast.
I think I will question the reason of my being the rest of the day. Hope, your day is joyful and full of purpose.
Stop telling yourself you will never get over it. What we tell ourselves locks us away from change. You will move through your grief. There will always be a scar there but things will change for you - for all of us. Tell yourself encouraging things. Take care.
ReplyDeleteYou are right but sometimes it is just a mental state that I can't come out of.
DeleteThe best advice I have heard for when that happens is to fully be there and embrace it - honor how you feel. You can't hold on to a feeling forever. You will move on from it.
DeleteThank you Sillygirl.
DeleteI can sympathize with you about the regret you feel when you were unable to see your Mom. I try not to think of Mom's last days or I burst into tears. The guilt I have for not being there her last days is immeasurable and even though it was the hospital that would not let me in to see her, I have done nothing but second guess myself for not demanding her release.
ReplyDeleteI hope we both can move passed these horrid memories.
I hope so too. Whatever we had done differently, the outcome wouldn't change but still we question ourselves. Hugs...
DeleteLosing your mom is still quite recent so it's only natural you still mourn her. And good for you for calling out that lady getting the manicure. How on earth are they/we going to stop this pandemic if some people consider themselves too important to follow the rules. Your rules are very different from those being imposed here in France though, so it's interesting to see how each country is trying to tackle this virus. I think we're all ready for it to be over though aren't we!
ReplyDeleteWe are ready to be over it but I doubt that will happen.
DeleteTotally understand feeling that way about your mum, I have moments where, out of the blue, I think of the last months of my mums life and I feel like my chest has been torn open all over again and for a moment I can't get my breath. It is a grief like no other even after five years and the tears just flow. I found it gets easier and its not foremost in my mind as it was in the early days. I think it must be so much harder in such a crazy time as we are seeing with this pandemic. I saw the news about Turkeys numbers, I hope things start improving soon with the vaccines getting closer.
ReplyDeleteI know time will heal the pain a little but, I am not there yet and having no specific goals at this time in my life makes it harder.
DeleteYour post breaks my heart for you. But I know (from how you have described your mother) that she would not want you to feel like this at all. Think positive thoughts and enjoy life for her. hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteYou are so right about her. She kept telling there was no time like the present to live fully and happily.
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