I woke up to a very dark and dreary day. Was hoping to wash the windows of my room and do a deep cleaning in my bedroom but, I decided against it. When I saw the supercell storm warning, I decided to park my car in a safe place. I cannot forget the walnut sized hail storm three years ago. So many cars were hit very badly. A search on the Internet gave me a place within 6-7 miles. So, I just drove there, parked my car and took a cab back. Went into the Pharmacy for my eye drops and did a quick grocery run. And totally forgot to get more allergy medicine... Ugh!
Now, I am home. I did one load of laundry but, I do not feel like doing much because of the magnitude of what I need to do. I must take my wardrobe down, wipe it, get rid of some items, take out the summer clothes, etc. I need a Marie Kondo moment.
I am ready for some tea. Here is a video of how we make tea. Warning: It says soft water not salt water. Some people hear it as salt! Lol! The way we make tea is not as elaborate as the Japanese but, it is not as simple as dumping a tea bag in hot water either.
Tuesday, June 23, 2020
Monday, June 22, 2020
Back Home to Winter?
It has been almost three months since I have not been home. Finally, I loaded my car, dropped mom's old apartment keys at a realtor and signed a contract, visited old neighbors who had been my parents' best friends way back when I was a baby and drove back to Istanbul.
As soon as I opened the door, I was greeted with a musty smell, two pairs of winter boots and coats on the rack. As I opened the windows, I realized that my thick comforter was on the bed. It felt like my home is frozen in time and it is still winter.
A whole season went by and I feel lost. During my five hour drive, I cried a little, listened to an audiobook a little.
Outside of my apartment the damn hydrangeas are in full bloom. They have not been blooming for the last 6-7 years due to a poor trimming job and mom had been looking forward to their blooming every year. Well, this year they are gorgeous and mom can't even see them! How is that fair?
My BFF says, I should take it as a sign that she found Dad and they are happy again. It sounds good especially, I was begging for a sign to know that she is well just yesterday.
Sigh... Life will be very different.
The apartment is very dirty. The windows need washing and a detailed cleaning job is a must. I think, I will call the cleaning lady after all despite the Covid scare. I should find a way to keep safe. May be I can clean my own room and confine myself to my room while she is cleaning? Any ideas?
As soon as I opened the door, I was greeted with a musty smell, two pairs of winter boots and coats on the rack. As I opened the windows, I realized that my thick comforter was on the bed. It felt like my home is frozen in time and it is still winter.
A whole season went by and I feel lost. During my five hour drive, I cried a little, listened to an audiobook a little.
Outside of my apartment the damn hydrangeas are in full bloom. They have not been blooming for the last 6-7 years due to a poor trimming job and mom had been looking forward to their blooming every year. Well, this year they are gorgeous and mom can't even see them! How is that fair?
My BFF says, I should take it as a sign that she found Dad and they are happy again. It sounds good especially, I was begging for a sign to know that she is well just yesterday.
Sigh... Life will be very different.
The apartment is very dirty. The windows need washing and a detailed cleaning job is a must. I think, I will call the cleaning lady after all despite the Covid scare. I should find a way to keep safe. May be I can clean my own room and confine myself to my room while she is cleaning? Any ideas?
Sunday, June 14, 2020
Alone
Today my SIS and BIL and my uncle left for Izmir and Antalya respectively. I just heard from all of them that they arrived at their homes, safe and sound.
So, I am alone tonight. Trying to keep busy. I sew a mask today. It was pretty successful, I must say. I think I will make 20 of them and send 5 to each of my family and keep 5 for myself. The masks we buy are hit or miss. Some are good quality, some are not so, washable masks are better I think.
I have also decided to wash the couch covers. There are two IKEA Ektorp couches in this apartment. I need to put the dishes away and put the rest of the dirt ones in the dishwasher. I will then go to bed.
This apartment has 4 bedrooms. SIS and BIL have the master bedroom, uncle has the one next to that and mom used to have the one next to his. The fourth was sort of like a sitting room where I am currently staying. SIS told me to move to mom's bedroom but, I am not ready to do that. Whenever we come to Ankara, we will stay here. SIS and BIL are trying to decide whether they will ask their bank to place them back in Ankara or not. Apparently, one of them will have to lose her/his title if they move back. I do not know whether they will decide to stay put or not. Till they come back to Ankara for good, this apartment will serve all of us.
SIS and I could not bring ourselves to go through mom's stuff yet. We gave away only a handful of things to BIL's mom's caregiver. I will take two pairs of shoes to Istanbul to give my cleaning lady. They are brand new. Mom never had a chance to wear them.
This week, I have to find a realtor to put my mom's old apartment on sale. It has been vacant since November. We always thought mom would recover, come back home and tell us what she wanted to do with it.
I also want to see a few friends before I leave. We shall keep our social distance of course.
Ever since, the normalization started, the Covid-19 numbers started creeping up. People are either stupid or ignorant. If the numbers go up, I am sure the travel restrictions will come back and the shelter-in-place orders will be in effect pretty soon. When I go back home, I will limit myself to one outing per week and will not let my guard down. No restaurants, malls, crowds or vacation this year. I may go visit family come September. I do not want to visit them before September because both cities are too warm and I cannot stand heat. My apartment is the coolest place among all the places we all have.
Gotta hang the laundry and hit the sack. It feels weird to be alone after being with family for weeks.
So, I am alone tonight. Trying to keep busy. I sew a mask today. It was pretty successful, I must say. I think I will make 20 of them and send 5 to each of my family and keep 5 for myself. The masks we buy are hit or miss. Some are good quality, some are not so, washable masks are better I think.
I have also decided to wash the couch covers. There are two IKEA Ektorp couches in this apartment. I need to put the dishes away and put the rest of the dirt ones in the dishwasher. I will then go to bed.
This apartment has 4 bedrooms. SIS and BIL have the master bedroom, uncle has the one next to that and mom used to have the one next to his. The fourth was sort of like a sitting room where I am currently staying. SIS told me to move to mom's bedroom but, I am not ready to do that. Whenever we come to Ankara, we will stay here. SIS and BIL are trying to decide whether they will ask their bank to place them back in Ankara or not. Apparently, one of them will have to lose her/his title if they move back. I do not know whether they will decide to stay put or not. Till they come back to Ankara for good, this apartment will serve all of us.
SIS and I could not bring ourselves to go through mom's stuff yet. We gave away only a handful of things to BIL's mom's caregiver. I will take two pairs of shoes to Istanbul to give my cleaning lady. They are brand new. Mom never had a chance to wear them.
This week, I have to find a realtor to put my mom's old apartment on sale. It has been vacant since November. We always thought mom would recover, come back home and tell us what she wanted to do with it.
I also want to see a few friends before I leave. We shall keep our social distance of course.
Ever since, the normalization started, the Covid-19 numbers started creeping up. People are either stupid or ignorant. If the numbers go up, I am sure the travel restrictions will come back and the shelter-in-place orders will be in effect pretty soon. When I go back home, I will limit myself to one outing per week and will not let my guard down. No restaurants, malls, crowds or vacation this year. I may go visit family come September. I do not want to visit them before September because both cities are too warm and I cannot stand heat. My apartment is the coolest place among all the places we all have.
Gotta hang the laundry and hit the sack. It feels weird to be alone after being with family for weeks.
Thursday, June 11, 2020
No Title
We are very slowly recovering. The day we buried mom next to dad was the hardest. I went in to see her for the last time when the women were washing her. (Muslim custom). I washed her face and hair and asked her who will be my travel companion from now on? I am so thankful to those three women who washed her gently and with care and who wrapped her in her shroud kindly. My sister's BFF did not let me in there alone. She stood with me.
On seeing her body and the damage of the infection, I feel very grateful that she finally gave up the fight. She looked like she fought a monster but, her face was peaceful. Her ordeal is over.
The ceremony was really nice. The Imam (a Muslim priest) was a very good man, a devout Ataturk (founder of our country, a great visionary) follower just like my mom. He thanked Ataturk and his comrades who fought the War of Independence and founded modern Turkey in 1920 just like mom would have wanted during the prayer both at the mosque and at the graveyard.
My uncle helped putting her in her place. Then uncle, sister and I were handed the shovels first to put soil in the grave. I remember yelling at the stupid Imam who told me women do not shovel soil during dad's burial. I had snarked "He is my DAD!" Apparently, my sister's friends who had attended dad's funeral remembered that too. Thankfully, this man was 100% nicer and kinder so, nobody had to pull him back to protect him from my wrath.
All of our closest friends were with us at the cemetary paying attention to social distancing. I cannot thank them enough.
Then we visited my grandma's and my late uncle's graves. After this, uncle left us to go home. I stayed with SIS, BIL and their best friends. When I went back home, I found my uncle crying his heart out. I do not remember him crying so much at his parents' or his brother's funerals. He and mom were very close siblings.
During mom's hospital stay, I was the point of contact. The hospitals would call me and every time the hospital's name appeared on my phone, I felt a huge panic and fear. Every day, waiting for that call was such a difficult thing. Now, I know they will not call me and it makes me feel better which in turn makes me feel guilty. Is this normal? Has anyone felt like this after a loved one's loss especially after a prolonged sickness?
On seeing her body and the damage of the infection, I feel very grateful that she finally gave up the fight. She looked like she fought a monster but, her face was peaceful. Her ordeal is over.
The ceremony was really nice. The Imam (a Muslim priest) was a very good man, a devout Ataturk (founder of our country, a great visionary) follower just like my mom. He thanked Ataturk and his comrades who fought the War of Independence and founded modern Turkey in 1920 just like mom would have wanted during the prayer both at the mosque and at the graveyard.
My uncle helped putting her in her place. Then uncle, sister and I were handed the shovels first to put soil in the grave. I remember yelling at the stupid Imam who told me women do not shovel soil during dad's burial. I had snarked "He is my DAD!" Apparently, my sister's friends who had attended dad's funeral remembered that too. Thankfully, this man was 100% nicer and kinder so, nobody had to pull him back to protect him from my wrath.
All of our closest friends were with us at the cemetary paying attention to social distancing. I cannot thank them enough.
Then we visited my grandma's and my late uncle's graves. After this, uncle left us to go home. I stayed with SIS, BIL and their best friends. When I went back home, I found my uncle crying his heart out. I do not remember him crying so much at his parents' or his brother's funerals. He and mom were very close siblings.
During mom's hospital stay, I was the point of contact. The hospitals would call me and every time the hospital's name appeared on my phone, I felt a huge panic and fear. Every day, waiting for that call was such a difficult thing. Now, I know they will not call me and it makes me feel better which in turn makes me feel guilty. Is this normal? Has anyone felt like this after a loved one's loss especially after a prolonged sickness?
Saturday, June 6, 2020
Goodbye Mom...
My mom passed away in the afternoon today. I feel a huge hole inside me.
Mom, thank you for;
Choosing dad as your partner
Giving me my sister
Being my rock
Being my best travel companion
Being the coolest mom ever...
I don't know what happens after death but if there is a place they all go to, I am sure my dad will be very happy to see her.
Mom, thank you for;
Choosing dad as your partner
Giving me my sister
Being my rock
Being my best travel companion
Being the coolest mom ever...
I don't know what happens after death but if there is a place they all go to, I am sure my dad will be very happy to see her.
Birthday: Who am I to not celebrate?
Mom went into a coma yesterday. Her heart stopped twice in 24 hours but, in this country until the brain dies, the doctors are obliged to do everything. We have been told that if the heart stops for the third time, we may lose her. Honestly at this point I want her to find Peace so, I am ready to let her go.
Today is my birthday and I was thinking I would never celebrate my birthdays from now on. Then it just dawned on me: Who am I not to celebrate the life mom gave to me 53 years ago? Who am I to refuse the life she made me have?
Yesterday my BIL came all the way from Izmir to be with us after hearing my mom's situation.
The four of us (Sis, Uncle, BIL and I) are talking, laughing and crying at the same time today.
We are lucky to have only sweet, loving and funny memories in our family. Nobody has any bitter feelings for each other or mom. Our lives are worth celebrating.
Mom, thank you for being my mom, thank you for giving me my sister, thank you for choosing dad to be your spouse! Thank you for the life you made for us!
Today is my birthday and I was thinking I would never celebrate my birthdays from now on. Then it just dawned on me: Who am I not to celebrate the life mom gave to me 53 years ago? Who am I to refuse the life she made me have?
Yesterday my BIL came all the way from Izmir to be with us after hearing my mom's situation.
The four of us (Sis, Uncle, BIL and I) are talking, laughing and crying at the same time today.
We are lucky to have only sweet, loving and funny memories in our family. Nobody has any bitter feelings for each other or mom. Our lives are worth celebrating.
Mom, thank you for being my mom, thank you for giving me my sister, thank you for choosing dad to be your spouse! Thank you for the life you made for us!
Thursday, June 4, 2020
Uncertainty, confusion, sadness and mixed feelings
Mom is still in the ICU, still intubated, still not improving and this is day 75.
This is a post to document my feelings and confusion about what is going on in my life and just to get the sitting bull off my chest so, you may want to not read the rest. Especially, if you are feeling well and happy. Stay that way and count that as a blessing.
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My sister has been here for the last two weeks. She is due back at work on Monday so, she will be driving herself on Sunday back to Izmir. I told her to go on Saturday so that she can rest for a day at home before starting work. She told me she wanted to spend my birthday with me which is on Saturday. For a long time I was hoping mom to start recovering by my birthday as if it is a truly important or special day. It's just another day of uncertainty, that's all. I told her I do not mind at all.
I like the fact that my sister, uncle and I are together but, I also need some time alone so, I am encouraging uncle to go back to Antalya to his home for a while. He is bored to death over here and I know he misses his bicycle, his friends and routine over there.
I told both of them that even if mom starts to improve, which is unlikely, they will have enough time to put their things in order to get back to Ankara. I will stay here and one person is quiet enough. Although, I like being with them, I need some alone time. Sometimes I want to stay in bed, cry my heart out or do something stupid. With people around me, it is not possible.
Mom is not able to breath on her own and she is not improving. She is also not getting any worse. They asked for permission for a tracheostomy saying that she will be more comfortable without the tube in her mouth. They said she is very agitated by the tube. So, I signed the papers. Tomorrow she will be taken to the operating room to do that.
Sometimes her heart or her kidneys get problematic but, they fix them pretty quickly. The other night I was wondering if she never improves and if she needs to be hooked to the machine as long as her organs let her live. Will they keep her in the hospital? Will they tell us to create hospital environment at home? In that case, we will need to hire a retired nurse 24x7 because, I can clean her up but, I cannot imagine aspirating her or feeding her through the tube in her nose. I would be deadly scared of hurting her. Then I started looking for hospital beds, portable ventilators, power supplies and such to see how those can be set up at home. Finally, I decided to sleep a little bit but, it was already 7 a.m. Did not sleep a wink that night.
Sometimes "what ifs" haunt me like that. Then I try to calm myself down by saying to myself: "T'Pol, one day at a time! Whatever will be will be as in the song and I will do whatever it takes when I know what needs to be done. One day at a time!" But when every day is just like the the day before without any change, "what ifs" come back with a vengeance.
Today is a very bad day and I want to cry constantly. Mom's friends call every few days and it is tough to talk to say she is the same not getting any better. Their words of sympathy do not help although I do appreciate them very much.
Sometimes I get very angry because I know people who do not even talk to their mom/children anymore for whatever reason and yet they are healthy and happy in their own way. Why is my mom sick and we can't even see her? Why does such a compassionate and nice person have to suffer? I am not a believer. I am between being an atheist and a deist so, no, I do not believe this is God's will for a reason. If God existed, he/she should have been nicer to my mom and would not let her suffer like this. Becoming an invalid was the only thing she was very afraid of and here we are!
We had some neighbors when I was a kid. There would be constant fighting and sometimes the husbands would beat their kids or raise their hands to their wives. My mom would always intervene and succesfully scare those men away. They knew she could easily beat the crap out of them if she wanted to. She meant business. Mom was never scared of confronting a guy who would beat his family. One day, she went downstairs and pulled out the 16 year old kid whose father was beating him with a hose. She took him to school herself and advised the kid to go to a different city for his university education and stay the hell away from his father as much as possible. My father never raised a hand. They would of course argue from time to time but things never escalated at our home. They loved and respected each other. My father gave up a career just to be able to spend more time with his family. That sweet man, loving husband and great dad passed away 26 years ago. My mom was widowed at the age of 51. Now, she is stuck in the hospital with a tube down her throat and I see those old neighbors celebrating "happy" annversaries of 50something years of marriage on Facebook. It is very hard to resist the temptation of commenting "yeah, we know how happy that marriage was when he was beating you and the kids. Remember that sweet day when he threw a hot kettle to you?".
What is happening to mom is so unfair. SO DAMN UNFAIR!
Well I got some stuff off my chest but, honestly it did not help much. I should make myself busy with something else. May be a warm shower will do me good....
This is a post to document my feelings and confusion about what is going on in my life and just to get the sitting bull off my chest so, you may want to not read the rest. Especially, if you are feeling well and happy. Stay that way and count that as a blessing.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My sister has been here for the last two weeks. She is due back at work on Monday so, she will be driving herself on Sunday back to Izmir. I told her to go on Saturday so that she can rest for a day at home before starting work. She told me she wanted to spend my birthday with me which is on Saturday. For a long time I was hoping mom to start recovering by my birthday as if it is a truly important or special day. It's just another day of uncertainty, that's all. I told her I do not mind at all.
I like the fact that my sister, uncle and I are together but, I also need some time alone so, I am encouraging uncle to go back to Antalya to his home for a while. He is bored to death over here and I know he misses his bicycle, his friends and routine over there.
I told both of them that even if mom starts to improve, which is unlikely, they will have enough time to put their things in order to get back to Ankara. I will stay here and one person is quiet enough. Although, I like being with them, I need some alone time. Sometimes I want to stay in bed, cry my heart out or do something stupid. With people around me, it is not possible.
Mom is not able to breath on her own and she is not improving. She is also not getting any worse. They asked for permission for a tracheostomy saying that she will be more comfortable without the tube in her mouth. They said she is very agitated by the tube. So, I signed the papers. Tomorrow she will be taken to the operating room to do that.
Sometimes her heart or her kidneys get problematic but, they fix them pretty quickly. The other night I was wondering if she never improves and if she needs to be hooked to the machine as long as her organs let her live. Will they keep her in the hospital? Will they tell us to create hospital environment at home? In that case, we will need to hire a retired nurse 24x7 because, I can clean her up but, I cannot imagine aspirating her or feeding her through the tube in her nose. I would be deadly scared of hurting her. Then I started looking for hospital beds, portable ventilators, power supplies and such to see how those can be set up at home. Finally, I decided to sleep a little bit but, it was already 7 a.m. Did not sleep a wink that night.
Sometimes "what ifs" haunt me like that. Then I try to calm myself down by saying to myself: "T'Pol, one day at a time! Whatever will be will be as in the song and I will do whatever it takes when I know what needs to be done. One day at a time!" But when every day is just like the the day before without any change, "what ifs" come back with a vengeance.
Today is a very bad day and I want to cry constantly. Mom's friends call every few days and it is tough to talk to say she is the same not getting any better. Their words of sympathy do not help although I do appreciate them very much.
Sometimes I get very angry because I know people who do not even talk to their mom/children anymore for whatever reason and yet they are healthy and happy in their own way. Why is my mom sick and we can't even see her? Why does such a compassionate and nice person have to suffer? I am not a believer. I am between being an atheist and a deist so, no, I do not believe this is God's will for a reason. If God existed, he/she should have been nicer to my mom and would not let her suffer like this. Becoming an invalid was the only thing she was very afraid of and here we are!
We had some neighbors when I was a kid. There would be constant fighting and sometimes the husbands would beat their kids or raise their hands to their wives. My mom would always intervene and succesfully scare those men away. They knew she could easily beat the crap out of them if she wanted to. She meant business. Mom was never scared of confronting a guy who would beat his family. One day, she went downstairs and pulled out the 16 year old kid whose father was beating him with a hose. She took him to school herself and advised the kid to go to a different city for his university education and stay the hell away from his father as much as possible. My father never raised a hand. They would of course argue from time to time but things never escalated at our home. They loved and respected each other. My father gave up a career just to be able to spend more time with his family. That sweet man, loving husband and great dad passed away 26 years ago. My mom was widowed at the age of 51. Now, she is stuck in the hospital with a tube down her throat and I see those old neighbors celebrating "happy" annversaries of 50something years of marriage on Facebook. It is very hard to resist the temptation of commenting "yeah, we know how happy that marriage was when he was beating you and the kids. Remember that sweet day when he threw a hot kettle to you?".
What is happening to mom is so unfair. SO DAMN UNFAIR!
Well I got some stuff off my chest but, honestly it did not help much. I should make myself busy with something else. May be a warm shower will do me good....
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