Many years ago, my closest friend got married to another colleague of ours. My friend used to be a neat freak but, she is a bit better now. Her husband is a very good man with a kind heart and honest personality but, he was a bit of a slob. Not dirty but just a bit messy.
Soon after they married, my friend started complaining about her husband, how he never picked up after himself and things like that. Every time I suggested something, she had a counter argument. I would say: "Well, don't pick up after him. Let his pants stay on the floor and when he needs them again, he will understand" and she would respond "I cannot bear that. Everything must be in it's proper place" or "I can't do that". After a while, I started to get frustrated and realized that this exchange may end up hurting our friendship. So, I have decided to talk to her about it openly and honestly. She agreed with me and did not complain about her husband to me again. I do not know if he is any better or not by now. He has proven that he is a good husband, very caring dad and a dear friend over the years.
Nowadays, I am watching My 600 lb Life and I see that before the patient truly decides to get help, she/he cannot be helped. When they stumble and are told to seek psychological help and when they refuse, they cannot be successful. The patients who do everything right to a T, are the ones who succeed. Why? Because, there is a tried and true way of doing the weight loss program. Dr. Nowzaradan knows what he is talking about.
What prompted me to write this is another blogger who recently got into a very big trouble. I am not going to name names. Her financial status, her age and her health are not in the greatest shape. So, a bunch of fellow bloggers offered a lot of sound advice but, she does not want to hear any of it. That is absolutely fine. She wants to do this in her own way and noone can make her do otherwise.
However, she recently deleted all those comments that she did not like or agree with. I think, that is wrong. Very wrong. After all, all of us who commented, do care about her. She is almost my mom's age and I cannot bear the thought of her current hardship. I wish her the best of luck in handling the situation her way. I do want to be wrong about my assesment of her situation. However, I am not going to be following her blog and commenting on it any longer.
I know who you speak of, I really didn't follow her blog but found out the situation. I also have other friends whom you cannot help, those who thrive on crisis, who go from one crisis to the next. I have chosen to zip my lip and if necessary see less of them. I am glad you were able to talk to your friend about her husband. Our kids think we are neat freaks, in fact we are not (we just like things tidy but there is plenty of dust/dirt if you look hard). I guess they are comparing us to their mother who is a total slob. I distinctly remember washing my stepdaughters sheets when they used to live with us part time. She thanked me for it - it seems at her moms house they hadn't been washed in many many months :( She was five. Funny, now as an adult she is a bit of a slob but - I think that will change as she gets older since she is only 19
ReplyDeleteA five year old thanking for fresh sheets. That is both cute and a bit sad.
DeleteYou took the words right out of my mouth. I also feel there has to a level of personal responsibility as well. While the situation is horrific, one also needs to be receptive of the help/suggestions being made. I never commented much on her blog but now with such filtered comments, I doubt I'll bother to continue to follow along.
ReplyDeleteI was a long time reader of hers. I am genuinely worried about her and did not say anything harsh or hurtful. It is what it is.
DeleteI wish her well, and wish her a reality check, but that is as much help as I can offer.
ReplyDeleteI too feel the same about the other blog/blogger, and can better imagine how and why the situation is what it is. Amazing how a few posts give new perspective.
ReplyDeleteIt is just sad.
DeleteI felt the same as you about this blogger and her sad situation. When I saw her responses to the suggestions (and realistic tough love) I decided not to even comment any more. It wasn't going to do any good. It doesn't appear she's realistically handling this situation. Appears to be in denial about how to handle it.
ReplyDeleteI know how stubborn people after a certain age can be, about their living on their own. Between me, sis and uncle, we are juggling many balls so as not to leave mom alone anymore. She made it clear that she does not want a stranger living at her home 24 hours to take care of her. There is one lady she may not refuse as a companion rather than a caretaker. We will be working on that. Assisted Living is not a thing in this country and nusring homes are pretty terrible so, they are not an option.
DeleteWe had to put my mom in a nursing home but there were 3 daughters so every day one of us went in to keep an eye on things. I was the only one who didn't work but my kids were 9 and 11 that summer and we spend a lot of time there.
DeleteI think she feels people should donate to her cause even mentioned going international. We all have commitments and I still don't understand why her family isn't helping but I do wonder.
ReplyDeleteI wonder about that too. We do not know her family dynamics. She said her kids know her situation in one comment and in another, she said she does not know their telephone numbers. Strange.
DeleteI did not suggest going international. That was someone else who said that.
DeleteHi Linda, you actually did suggest it. When replying to Granny, you said "how about international exposure". There's nothing wrong with that....but when you are quick to point a finger at others, it's worth it to be reflective and accountable for being wrong.
DeleteI also follow this woman's blog. I thought many were giving her very sound advice, but it seems all she wants is for all of us to feel sorry for her and give her money. She has a GoFundMe page up and wants $50,000. Wow. I have no money to send her, but I do pray for her (even though she said she wanted no prayers) and want good things to happen for her. I am not sure if I will stop following her blog yet or not. I thought she was very rude to many people who commented.
ReplyDeleteThat is a lot of money and I doubt if she can raise that much. May be with the aid of some media outlets, it can be done. However, I do not think the whole project is feasible.
DeleteI thought the amount was extreme, especially for someone so seemingly unwilling to make any compromises. I was also a tad annoyed with her attitude regarding her degrees. Nice that she has them, but now who will be picking up the tab to pay it all back? Also, the last line on her GoFundMe page about getting an attorney to set up a 501c once she has enough money. I'm all for helping others, but her expectations seem quite far-fetched. My hunch is that there is likely a lot more to her story than she is letting on.
DeleteI looked up what a 501c is. I doubt she will collect that much money through GoFundMe. That organization alone gets like almost 5% of the donations.
DeleteBased on zero donations made so far, you are likely correct! Still, I hope she gets some help...and more importantly, is receptive to those who truly want to help. But like you said, "You cannot help someone, if she/he does not want to be helped." Sad on so many levels.
DeleteIt's so sad and I too have prayed for her (even though she doesn't want it). I can't imagine living in a house in that condition, no hot water, leaking roof, sleeping under plastic. Based on her income I just do not see that she could afford to maintain a new home, if she was able to get one built there. It seems like her best option would be to rent a small apartment/studio or a room in someone's house.
ReplyDeleteT'Pol,
ReplyDeleteYu re one of my favorite readers. I am hurt you made me the subject of a post. It is very humiliating. You are thinking I am in the same condition as your mother. Not so.
Hi Linda, you don't know and she didn't say she thought of you like her mom. You are missing the point that people have offered ideas, and shared experiences to try and help you.
DeleteThanks for posting this and letting her readers kind of share their point of view. I found it quite rude, and frankly concerning for her state, that she deleted constructive comments on her own blog, which i have read for years, but often questioned her situation. It's hard (I admit my failing) to not judge the situation. How someone could own property, and assets (she was blunt with another person saying "I never said the silver was mine" but if you read the post, she called it her silver"). anyway, it's just hard to read how nasty she can be to people who have helped her over the years so i wanted to follow along to hopefully see her get to a better place mentally. wish her well, and while she said she doesn't want our prayers, I send them anyway.
DeleteWell, I don't know which blogger you mean (although my curiosity is piqued, I admit), but that's the thing with addictions - you can't help the person until they admit they have a problem. It's so easy to make excuses NOT to do something (speaking from personal experience) and getting stuck where you are. But asking for advice and then ignoring/deleting what you don't want to hear is not the way to go about bettering things. But she is an adult and has made her choices. It's no wonder no one is contributing to her GoFundMe. It makes me think about my habits and choices a bit more. xx
ReplyDeleteDear readers, please note that I have been moderating comments since the beginning. I do this only to delete SPAM. I publish all comments. I never thought I would receive so many comments on this post and I did not mean to hurt anyone. I wish everybody well.
ReplyDeleteone last pop in to say, you are not capable of hurting others...all you've done is allow people to share, with free will, their own experiences and opinions on a matter that is very severe/serious. Kudos to you for having the courage to let people use their free thinking minds and express themselves. I think you are exceptional.
DeleteI know you meant no ill will at all. I think we all get frustrated when we want to be able to help someone with a situation and we feel we cannot. I'm wishing the best for her also, in every way possible.
DeleteI agree with BlogReader and One Family. Given the amount of deleted and unpublished comments on the blog in question, it was good to have a place to come together and discuss the situation. For those of us wanting to help, it was a frustrating situation. I thank you for allowing us a place to share our thoughts. At this point, it looks like all we can offer her is a lot of prayer!
DeleteJust made a comment on her blog today to see the reaction. She is disrespecting her host's wishes by doing some cleaning and that is what I addressed. She totally missed the point and observed how he likes it when she serves him food. I'm afraid if she pushes it, she may find herself back out on the street. She is totally determined to do what she wants to do. Sad and scary. Thank you for a forum to find understanding in this situation.
ReplyDeletei read that as well and my jaw dropped. Make me so sad. How anyone could go against the wishes of their host....especially someone who has complained for years about how others treat HER home.... I give up..... I have to stop following this horrible......thing
DeleteOkay you two. I couldn't help myself and just had to take a look. Unbelievable!
DeleteLinda, it wouldn't surprise me if you came here looking for what we are saying. Please go get some professional help. I'm not a psychiatrist but everything you write indicates you are in need of a mental health check. I'm not saying this to be mean but simply out of concern for your wellbeing.