Meal Planning

I have lost some weight during my mom's sickness. My uncle was preparing all the meals and he made healthy and filling food, lots of vegetables and meat, very little carbs.

I need to shed much more weight so, I have downloaded an app to count my calories. I also need to pay attention to the carb, fat, protein ratios.

I picked up a roaster chicken today and dry-brined it. I am thinking of roasting it for tomorrow's dinner. There are two potatoes I need to use up with that.

This bird is going to give me lots of meals I think. I have chicken breast and turkey breast in the freezer too. I have been eating too much red meat and I have decided to cut back on that. I have some frozen meat patties too.

Tonight's dinner was steamed broccoli and mixed salad greens plus grilled turkey breast. I love my olive oil so, I am not going to give it up. I made a salad dressing with salt, lemon juice, olive oil and garlic to put on my salad+veggies.

Time to menu plan with what I have:

- Roast chicken, potatoes and salad (Dinner)
- Chickpea Salad (Lunch/Brunch)
- Shepherd Salad with cold chicken (Dinner) Shepherd Salad is like Greek Salad but, we do not put cheese in it and the tomatoes and cucumbers are cut in much smaller pieces.
- Tom Kha Gai Soup (the chicken stock to be made with the carcass) (Lunch/Brunch)
- Chicken salad sandwich (lighter version half mayo-half yogurt) (Lunch/Brunch)
- Meat patties with piyaz (Dinner)
- Sauteed mushrooms and peppers in garlic yogurt sauce (Side)
- Kısır (Think Thabouleh with more bulgur wheat and green peppers in addition to parsley) (Lunch/Dinner) Goes best with fresh brewed tea.
- Navy beans and rice (Lunch/Dinner)
When I get through these meals, I will need to buy more salad greens and some kind of a vegetable.

I forgot to buy celery but, I need to go out to IKEA tomorrow. So, on the way back I can quickly go into the grocery store to pick it up.

Break from Cleaning to Sew

I was making masks with ties instead of elastic when I was in Ankara. I need to make 5 more to send to my uncle along with a new wallet I bought for him.

Sewing is messy so, I decided to take care of that before starting to clean my living room. The small table top ironing board and the sewing machine is set up on my dining room table right now and I am ready to go.

I have two huge Linden Trees right outside in front of the apartment and they are probably producing a lot of pollen because despite taking allergy meds, I keep sneezing. Too much sneezing makes me feel sick. Sometimes a dark cup of coffee helps. I may go for a cup in a little while.

My BFF and I are watching Broadchurch on Netflix. She lives in the US and I live an ocean and a continent away. I love technology! Yesterday we decided to be each other's accountability partners in losing 30 pounds. I will start walking every day regularly too. She walks for 45 minutes with a neighbor of hers every day.

Today is the second day of the university entrance exams and I expect Istanbul to get less crowded in a few days. Most families will go to their summer places although if I were them, I would not. If one catches the virus, there are very few small hospitals with not much ICU capabilities in vacation spots. I would rather be in the city and be closer to better health care. However, not a lot of people are taking this seriously and I have a feeling they have a tough time keeping their kids at home as well.

This week is a stress factor for my sister and BIL. The bank will most likely place them in different branches. They have put in a request to go back to Ankara but, one of them will have to give up her/his title. That is bullshit of course but, if you do not have someone influential, that is what happens to you. It does not matter if you are best and the most hard working person. Corruption, what else? My BIL actually has a very influential cousin but, he is not the kind of person who will ask for favors even though it is actually not a favor but, rather a right.

I am hoping that they will not be placed anywhere they will be very unhappy. I am already concerned about my sister's health as it is.

More Cleaning and laundry

Now that I have completed putting my own bedroom in order, I moved to my spare room which I used to call mom's room. Sigh...

I took down the curtains and one of them is in the washer right now. Then I dusted and washed the windows. My right arm will kill me tomorrow. I also pushed and pulled the closets to get behind them for more dusting and washing.

I had left a bunch of stuff at the entrance to my home and I took care of all that. Some are dumped on my dining table, some are placed neatly where they belong.

My pressure cooker died. I need to replace it but the new ones are so darn expensive. I cannot even remember when I had bought it. Probably more than 15 years ago? There are two in the Ankara home. I will ask my sister and uncle if I can take one of them. That apartment is literally empty 90% of the time so, who needs two pressure cookers there? I know my sister has hers at her home and uncle has his in Antalya. Till I get back to Ankara, I will make do without one.

Tonight I am having a salad and some nachos. Salad is to eliminate the guilt of eating nachos. Kind of a balancing act.

I am going to hang the curtains back and empty the dishwasher before dinner. I am thinking, cleaning the balcony and the living room will be the hardest. The balcony is closed with sliding glass windows and they are filthy. Washing them will be the toughest chore. In the living room I have this two display cabinets and a TV unit. One of the display cabinets is glass on all sides. I keep my dad's sailing ship models there.

Every night after dinner I put the kitchen in order and the next day after cooking, it is a war zone. I think, I should batch-cook some food and leave the kitchen alone for a while other than fixing salads.

I was planning to call the cleaning lady but, I decided, I am too chicken for that yet. Besides, I am cleaning in detail. She could never do as much. It would take her forever. So, I will do my own deep cleaning and may be call her in a few weeks. Depends on how much I can keep up with it. 

Progress and stuff in general...

I have succesfully put away all winter stuff away in my closet. They are in zip up IKEA SKUBB boxes neatly stacked on top of each other on the top shelf. I have two shelves dedicated to summer tops and bottoms now. There is so much to give away but, not just yet. I do not have the stamina to do it.

I have also re-organized my pantry drawer and spice cabinet.

Yesterday I made a modified version of the Tom Kha Gai soup. No basil, no cilantro, no fish sauce. It still turned out delicious and I had that for brunch today. I will have the rest of it for tomorrow's brunch.

Tonight I am having a naked burger (no bun) small green salad and corn on the cob.

I am getting up late so, I am now eating two meals a day with occasional snacks. I added some cooked rice to the soup to make it more filling. My BFF keeps the rice separate so that it doesn't soak up most of the juice. That's what I did too.

Due to COVID-19 and University Entry Exams this weekend, there is a semi-shelter in place order. On Saturday, noone other than the entrants and a maximum of two people who accompany them to exam centers are allowed to be outside till 3:30 p.m. On Sunday, it is till 6:30 p.m. I am not planning to go out at all.

I had taken a coffee break as I typed this. There is very little left to fold and stack on the summer shelves so, I better get back to business. May be I can sleep in my bed tonight.

Restocked

I think, I have been able to restock my pantry and fridge.  Now, I need to plan meals around what I have bought. I hate waste and I would like to use up everything while they are fresh.

I will ask my BFF to send me her Tom Kha Gai soup. I found lemon grass today so, I bought a can of coconut milk as well.

I also found restaurant style tortilla chips. I will make myself nachos sometime soon but, I could not find any sour cream. It is not something popular over here. It is not a must anyway.

I have tons to do at home and I am feeling really overwhelmed. One thing at a time, one day at a time...

Missing mom really badly. I try keeping myself busy.

Supercell Storm Warning

I woke up to a very dark and dreary day. Was hoping to wash the windows of my room and do a deep cleaning in my bedroom but, I decided against it. When I saw the supercell storm warning, I decided to park my car in a safe place. I cannot forget the walnut sized hail storm three years ago. So many cars were hit very badly. A search on the Internet gave me a place within 6-7 miles. So, I just drove there, parked my car and took a cab back. Went into the Pharmacy for my eye drops and did a quick grocery run. And totally forgot to get more allergy medicine... Ugh!

Now, I am home. I did one load of laundry but, I do not feel like doing much because of the magnitude of what I need to do. I must take my wardrobe down, wipe it, get rid of some items, take out the summer clothes, etc. I need a Marie Kondo moment.

I am ready for some tea. Here is a video of how we make tea. Warning: It says soft water not salt water. Some people hear it as salt! Lol! The way we make tea is not as elaborate as the Japanese but, it is not as simple as dumping a tea bag in hot water either.

Back Home to Winter?

It has been almost three months since I have not been home. Finally, I loaded my car, dropped mom's old apartment keys at a realtor and signed a contract, visited old neighbors who had been my parents' best friends way back when I was a baby and drove back to Istanbul.

As soon as I opened the door, I was greeted with a musty smell, two pairs of winter boots and coats on the rack. As I opened the windows, I realized that my thick comforter was on the bed. It felt like my home is frozen in time and it is still winter.

A whole season went by and I feel lost. During my five hour drive, I cried a little, listened to an audiobook a little.

Outside of my apartment the damn hydrangeas are in full bloom. They have not been blooming for the last 6-7 years due to a poor trimming job and mom had been looking forward to their blooming every year. Well, this year they are gorgeous and mom can't even see them! How is that fair?

My BFF says, I should take it as a sign that she found Dad and they are happy again. It sounds good especially, I was begging for a sign to know that she is well just yesterday.

Sigh... Life will be very different.

The apartment is very dirty. The windows need washing and a detailed cleaning job is a must. I think, I will call the cleaning lady after all despite the Covid scare. I should find a way to keep safe. May be I can clean my own room and confine myself to my room while she is cleaning? Any ideas?

Alone

Today my SIS and BIL and my uncle left for Izmir and Antalya respectively. I just heard from  all of them that they arrived at their homes, safe and sound.

So, I am alone tonight. Trying to keep busy. I sew a mask today. It was pretty successful, I must say. I think I will make 20 of them and send 5 to each of my family and keep 5 for myself. The masks we buy are hit or miss. Some are good quality, some are not so, washable masks are better I think.

I have also decided to wash the couch covers. There are two IKEA Ektorp couches in this apartment. I need to put the dishes away and put the rest of the dirt ones in the dishwasher. I will then go to bed.

This apartment has 4 bedrooms. SIS and BIL have the master bedroom, uncle has the one next to that and mom used to have the one next to his. The fourth was sort of like a sitting room where I am currently staying. SIS told me to move to mom's bedroom but, I am not ready to do that. Whenever we come to Ankara, we will stay here. SIS and BIL are trying to decide whether they will ask their bank to place them back in Ankara or not. Apparently, one of them will have to lose her/his title if they move back. I do not know whether they will decide to stay put or not. Till they come back to Ankara for good, this apartment will serve all of us.

SIS and I could not bring ourselves to go through mom's stuff yet. We gave away only a handful of things to BIL's mom's caregiver. I will take two pairs of shoes to Istanbul to give my cleaning lady. They are brand new. Mom never had a chance to wear them.

This week, I have to find a realtor to put my mom's old apartment on sale. It has been vacant since November. We always thought mom would recover, come back home and tell us what she wanted to do with it.

I also want to see a few friends before I leave. We shall keep our social distance of course.

Ever since, the normalization started, the Covid-19 numbers started creeping up. People are either stupid or ignorant. If the numbers go up, I am sure the travel restrictions will come back and the shelter-in-place orders will be in effect pretty soon. When I go back home, I will limit myself to one outing per week and will not let my guard down. No restaurants, malls, crowds or vacation this year. I may go visit family come September. I do not want to visit them before September because both cities are too warm and I cannot stand heat. My apartment is the coolest place among all the places we all have.

Gotta hang the laundry and hit the sack. It feels weird to be alone after being with family for weeks.

No Title

We are very slowly recovering. The day we buried mom next to dad was the hardest. I went in to see her for the last time when the women were washing her. (Muslim custom). I washed her face and hair and asked her who will be my travel companion from now on? I am so thankful to those three women who washed her gently and with care and who wrapped her in her shroud kindly. My sister's BFF did not let me in there alone. She stood with me.

On seeing her body and the damage of the infection, I feel very grateful that she finally gave up the fight. She looked like she fought a monster but, her face was peaceful. Her ordeal is over.

The ceremony was really nice. The Imam (a Muslim priest) was a very good man, a devout Ataturk (founder of our country, a great visionary) follower just like my mom. He thanked Ataturk and his comrades who fought the War of Independence and founded modern Turkey in 1920 just like mom would have wanted during the prayer both at the mosque and at the graveyard.

My uncle helped putting her in her place. Then uncle, sister and I were handed the shovels first to put soil in the grave. I remember yelling at the stupid Imam who told me women do not shovel soil during dad's burial. I had snarked "He is my DAD!" Apparently, my sister's friends who had attended dad's funeral remembered that too. Thankfully, this man was 100% nicer and kinder so, nobody had to pull him back to protect him from my wrath.

All of our closest friends were with us at the cemetary paying attention to social distancing. I cannot thank them enough.

Then we visited my grandma's and my late uncle's graves. After this, uncle left us to go home. I stayed with SIS, BIL and their best friends. When I went back home, I found my uncle crying his heart out. I do not remember him crying so much at his parents' or his brother's funerals. He and mom were very close siblings.

During mom's hospital stay, I was the point of contact. The hospitals would call me and every time the hospital's name appeared on my phone, I felt a huge panic and fear. Every day, waiting for that call was such a difficult thing. Now, I know they will not call me and it makes me feel better which in turn makes me feel guilty. Is this normal? Has anyone felt like this after a loved one's loss especially after a prolonged sickness?

Goodbye Mom...

My mom passed away in the afternoon today. I feel a huge hole inside me.

Mom, thank you for;

Choosing dad as your partner
Giving me my sister
Being my rock
Being my best travel companion
Being the coolest mom ever...

I don't know what happens after death but if there is a place they all go to, I am sure my dad will be very happy to see her.

Birthday: Who am I to not celebrate?

Mom went into a coma yesterday. Her heart stopped twice in 24 hours but, in this country until the brain dies, the doctors are obliged to do everything. We have been told that if the heart stops for the third time, we may lose her. Honestly at this point I want her to find Peace so, I am ready to let her go.

Today is my birthday and I was thinking I would never celebrate my birthdays from now on. Then it just dawned on me: Who am I not to celebrate the life mom gave to me 53 years ago? Who am I to refuse the life she made me have?

Yesterday my BIL came all the way from Izmir to be with us after hearing my mom's situation.

The four of us (Sis, Uncle, BIL and I) are talking, laughing and crying at the same time today.

We are lucky to have only sweet, loving and funny memories in our family. Nobody has any bitter feelings for each other or mom. Our lives are worth celebrating.

Mom, thank you for being my mom, thank you for giving me my sister, thank you for choosing dad to be your spouse! Thank you for the life you made for us!

Uncertainty, confusion, sadness and mixed feelings

Mom is still in the ICU, still intubated, still not improving and this is day 75.

This is a post to document my feelings and confusion about what is going on in my life and just to get the sitting bull off my chest so, you may want to not read the rest. Especially, if you are feeling well and happy. Stay that way and count that as a blessing.

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My sister has been here for the last two weeks. She is due back at work on Monday so, she will be driving herself on Sunday back to Izmir. I told her to go on Saturday so that she can rest for a day at home before starting work. She told me she wanted to spend my birthday with me which is on Saturday. For a long time I was hoping mom to start recovering by my birthday as if it is a truly important or special day. It's just another day of uncertainty, that's all. I told her I do not mind at all.

I like the fact that my sister, uncle and I are together but, I also need some time alone so, I am encouraging uncle to go back to Antalya to his home for a while. He is bored to death over here and I know he misses his bicycle, his friends and routine over there.

I told both of them that even if mom starts to improve, which is unlikely, they will have enough time to put their things in order to get back to Ankara. I will stay here and one person is quiet enough. Although, I like being with them, I need some alone time. Sometimes I want to stay in bed, cry my heart out or do something stupid. With people around me, it is not possible.

Mom is not able to breath on her own and she is not improving. She is also not getting any worse. They asked for permission for a tracheostomy saying that she will  be more comfortable without the tube in her mouth. They said she is very agitated by the tube. So, I signed the papers. Tomorrow she will be taken to the operating room to do that.

Sometimes her heart or her kidneys get problematic but, they fix them pretty quickly. The other night I was wondering if she never improves and if she needs to be hooked to the machine as long as her organs let her live. Will they keep her in the hospital? Will they tell us to create hospital environment at home? In that case, we will need to hire a retired nurse 24x7 because, I can clean her up but, I cannot imagine aspirating her or feeding her through the tube in her nose. I would be deadly scared of hurting her. Then I started looking for hospital beds, portable ventilators, power supplies and such to see how those can be set up at home. Finally, I decided to sleep a little bit but, it was already 7 a.m. Did not sleep a wink that night.

Sometimes "what ifs" haunt me like that. Then I try to calm myself down by saying to myself: "T'Pol, one day at a time! Whatever will be will be as in the song and I will do whatever it takes when I know what needs to be done. One day at a time!" But when every day is just like the the day before without any change, "what ifs" come back with a vengeance.

Today is a very bad day and I want to cry constantly. Mom's friends call every few days and it is tough to talk to say she is the same not getting any better. Their words of sympathy do not help although I do appreciate them very much.

Sometimes I get very angry because I know people who do not even talk to their mom/children anymore for whatever reason and yet they are healthy and happy in their own way. Why is my mom sick and we can't even see her? Why does such a compassionate and nice person have to suffer? I am not a believer. I am between being an atheist and a deist so, no, I do not believe this is God's will for a reason. If God existed, he/she should have been nicer to my mom and would not let her suffer like this. Becoming an invalid was the only thing she was very afraid of and here we are!

We had some neighbors when I was a kid. There would be constant fighting and sometimes the husbands would beat their kids or raise their hands to their wives. My mom would always intervene and succesfully scare those men away. They knew she could easily beat the crap out of them if she wanted to. She meant business. Mom was never scared of confronting a guy who would beat his family. One day, she went downstairs and pulled out the 16 year old kid whose father was beating him with a hose. She took him to school herself and advised the kid to go to a different city for his university education and stay the hell away from his father as much as possible. My father never raised a hand. They would of course argue from time to time but things never escalated at our home. They loved and respected each other. My father gave up a career just to be able to spend more time with his family. That sweet man, loving husband and great dad passed away 26 years ago. My mom was widowed at the age of 51. Now, she is stuck in the hospital with a tube down her throat and I see those old neighbors celebrating "happy" annversaries of 50something years of marriage on Facebook. It is very hard to resist the temptation of commenting "yeah, we know how happy that marriage was when he was beating you and the kids. Remember that sweet day when he threw a hot kettle to you?".

What is happening to mom is so unfair. SO DAMN UNFAIR!

Well I got some stuff off my chest but, honestly it did not help much. I should make myself busy with something else. May be a warm shower will do me good....